I’ve always unapologetically gone by Julie on social media sites. Well, except for August 8th when I became “Vesta Nacisse, a 16 year-old with a sophisticated outlook on relationships and reality.
That moment when you say, “Just Kidding” but you’re actually dead serious.
— Julie Bonk (@bonkish) August 8, 2014
My twitter is usually pretty inactive. A couple of days ago I received a notice telling me that it was locked due to suspicious activity. I was like, cool, twitter’s got my back. They’re gonna protect me from botspam. I’ll keep it locked and forget about it.
Then the VestaGate scandal happened.
August 8th at 2:37 am, my profile picture & description changed. And I became a teenage philosopher. A bot went through and added 900 users to my follow list and my follower count went up to 564 users. Damn.
During the time I was unknowingly Vesta, I had a few hits on my tweet feed. And by hits I mean, other bots liked my stuff and my account was used to like other bot tweets.
But here’s the thing– even though all the tweets are bad, some of them are incredibly bad. Like, noteworthy bad. As in, why would anyone ever tweet these things, let alone program a bot to generate these tweets?
And that’s why I’ve created this list for you of my favorite terrible teenage babble tweets that I facilitated on August 8th.
The generational shift, cultural shaming tweet
Twerking and Selfie have been added to the dictionary. Future and Optimism have been removed. — Julie Bonk (@bonkish) August 8, 2014
You tell them, Vesta! How dare people do something that the enjoy. Selfies are plebs. The only reasonable deduction a person can make from language being fluid and living is that the future of humanity is damned. Curse you, millenials and your twerking!
The wait, what! Cognitive Dissonance tweet
“are u crying?” “no I just have swag in my eye” — Julie Bonk (@bonkish) August 8, 2014
This one is so good because A) it sounds just like me & B) it doesn’t contradict with any other messages distributed by the bot. The continuity in this storytelling is spot on. I’m repulsed by the notion that twerking and selfie are recognized as words, but swag is a totally acceptable word and this is how it should be used.
This undeniable life truth
Actually when a girl ignores you, it means she really loves you and cares about your mistakes. — Julie Bonk (@bonkish) August 8, 2014
Think about this for a moment:
You’re in math class, you want to borrow a pencil. You lean over to the young woman to your right and ask for a pencil. You made the mistake of not bringing one. She doesn’t respond. She’s really into the lecture. It hits you: she’s ignoring you. Do you realize that she actually loves you and cares about the fact that you made a mistake?
But it’s not just that mistake she cares about. She cares about that time you dropped a penny in the garbage disposal. She cares about the time you forgot to bring your change to the laundromat. She cares about your mistakes. She loves you so much that she’s ignoring you.
I’m so glad this tweet is associated with my name, Vesta really understands everything I stand for.
That awkward moment when a dictionary uses words you don’t know the definitions of to define the word that you don’t know the definition of. — Julie Bonk (@bonkish) August 8, 2014
One of my favorite things about Vesta has to be how academic-minded she is. She’s always thinking about language and bettering her understanding of it! We’ve established that she is a skeptic of the fluidity of language, but did you know she’s also a citizen editor? She cares about the layman. How can a regular person understand a definition if it’s fraught with incomprehensible jargon? She’s so relatable.
Pop Culture Worship
Wait. I actually posted that. Whoops.
This Hard Truth About Crushing
Dear Crush. I hope you stop killing me with your smile. — Julie Bonk (@bonkish) August 8, 2014
Isn’t it the worst when someone’s facial expression is literally killing you?
Crushes are dangerous. Don’t have them. You could die.
Keep your best wishes, close to your heart and watch what happens. – Tony DeLiso — Julie Bonk (@bonkish) August 8, 2014
Vesta posted a few inspirational philosophical quotes, most by people you’ve heard of. I’m talking about Aristotle, Martin Luther King Jr, Frederick Douglass and the like. This specific quote was notable because, well, who the hell is Tony DeLiso?
I hate to be the person to judge Vesta on her scholar crushes, but DeLiso doesn’t even have a facebook page. His claim to fame? He’s a self-help book author. I mean, kudos to Vesta on taking a risk and tweeting a quote from an author very few people have heard of.
This girl is deep. She doesn’t care if you understand her references. She’s gonna make them either way.
This Cute Theme-Appropriate Message
Whenever I delete text messages, I feel like I’m deleting evidence. — Julie Bonk (@bonkish) August 8, 2014
How coincidental. As I’m deleting these tweets from my account, I feel kind of the same way.
I hope you appreciated our time with Vesta as much as I did. I’ll leave a few up at my account @bonkish. RT or comment your favorite witticism she shared with the twitterverse.